about me

My Story

I have to preface with the fact that THIS IS SCARY! Making a blog is one thing, but sharing my story, and purpose so openly and unapologetically is a whole other. I do this though, because I hope that it will inspire others. I hope that my story has meaning and will connect with someone who may need to hear a few little words that mean a lot: "It WILL be OK!"

So the basics, I grew up in San Jose, California. I moved to Utah when I was 11-in the middle of 6th grade. I knew no one, and only seemed to push people away with my uncontrollable introvertedness. I had a rough spell during Jr. High and High School and never really found myself until I became an "adult"- or so I thought.

After high school, as many people did, I partied- hardy until I met my now husband! We fell in love instantly and have been together since the day we met- 13 years ago. We were together about a year when I got pregnant with my son. I was 19 and scared, but happy because I have always wanted a family. Maybe not so young, but as I look back, it was a blessing in disguise. Not long after I had my son, I got pregnant with my daughter, which was VERY unexpected considering we had plenty of birth control goin on lol. SO, as you can imagine, we were in sort of a pickle. 2 kids, under 2 for 2 years. I was 19, he was 25. It was hard enough to find a good job, let alone hold one down for myself, and my husband was working up to three jobs at a time to support us. We couldn't afford anything but for me to stay home, while he took our only vehicle to work. Needless to say, I was lonely. Which caused arguments (sorry babe, I know I was cray cray) and this went on for a few years until we moved in with his mom. The kids were older now, and I had to get to work because I wanted to get us ahead.

Fast forward a few years of not much change. I had a few jobs, we finally saved enough and made enough to rent an adorable little house with room for all of us. We started to build our home, and marriage and family. We lived there for about a year when we made a crucial decision to pack up and move in with his grandpa to be able to take care of him. He had a surgery that put him in a wheel chair, and with MRSA and couldn't go home without 24 hour care. Since I wasn't working, I was able and willing to give the help, and it saved us a bit too. Now, to put this into perspective, the home has 1 bedroom, and a basement- and an unfinished  sunroom type area. We moved some things in the basement to put a queen size bed for the kids to sleep. Because grandpa had sundowners, and had a hard time sleeping, we chose to sleep on the floor in the living room outside of grandpas bedroom so that we could be readily available for him. (baby monitor idea was a flop as for some reason the reception didn't work) We did this for 9 months until grandpa decided to have another surgery to correct some numbness in his arm. Ended up having a bad reaction to the anesthesia and caused a self inflicted injury which caused him to have pneumonia. He dies slowly over 2 weeks. I didn't leave his side. he died the day after Christmas.

We inherited his home as the only heir of the family. we have since made some changes and have room for all of us, and are working towards getting the home ready to rent so we can buy our dream, forever home.

keep in mind, I skipped over a lot of info. Mostly because I am not a writer, and I don't really know what is relevant to this story (and this will more than likely be updated and edited over time). BUT, needless to say, over the past few years, I fell into depression. I felt as if we did our children a disservice. I felt like a bad wife, a bad mother, a bad friend... worthless... I just felt lost. I don't even know how to explain it. I had gone to massage school, nail school, held a number of jobs... but just couldn't seem to do anything right. I also had some PSTD from helping with grandpa. Some of the things we went through, as a couple who barely had their own lives together, to nursing someone who had lost the use of their legs and who slowly died from pneumonia was not a pretty experience. I had become a nurse. I had become a butler. I had become a caretaker. And while I wouldn't take any of it away, I just wish I was better at the job. I never had the chance to lose baby weight, and also put on a few pounds along the way. I also, somewhere, lost myself. To be honest, I don't know if I ever knew myself.

4 years ago, I decided enough was enough. That we have worked too hard to not be happy. My kids were both in full time school now, and I wanted to go back to work. This is when I was hired on with eBay. Now, mind you I have had quite a few jobs over time, but the blessing I found at eBay was the encouragement to be ourselves. We are accepted for who we are. We are encouraged to grow, and learn. I knew day 1 that I would build a career there and be successful. eBay has no idea what they have done for my life. They are so amazing! (I won't go into too much just for the sake of work life balance. All I will say in public forum is that they are amazing and if you have the chance to work there DO IT!)

This brings us to now. Well, 6 months ago now. I have come to a point where we are living a "normal" "stable" life. We have money, and can pay our bills. We have hobbies, and structure. We are a family, perfectly imperfect. Daughter is in dance, son is in football, both bring home good grades. We see movies, bowl, camp, play games. I found myself thinking on night about how I finally feel ready. Like really ready to change myself. To focus on my happiness, and my body. I owed it to my kids and husband to be happy completely and to be myself. Well, I didn't know how. I tried a lot of things. Pills, fad diets, starving. I tried going out more, going out less. I tried to fit in new traditions. I was like a blind mouse trying to figure out what I wanted and how I was going to get fit. During this time I was surrounding myself with all kinds of inspiration, and that is how I came across my coach's page. She mentioned one day about a coaching opportunity and I thought to myself, "I can do that and be dang good at it" And so I did. I reached out, and officially on Jan 2nd, I enrolled as a Team Beachbody Coach. OH WHAT A BLESSING!

Since my time in being a Beachbody Coach, I have grown into who I want to be. To who I am. I am confident, I have lost 25 lbs (over 6 months, and that includes going from a size 10 to a 7... muscle weighs more guys n gals... 25 lbs doesn't even say the most of it) I have read more books in 6 months than I have in my lifetime. I have met some amazing women and men who also devote their lives to self growth and helping others do the same. AND the best part, I have inspired many people to do the same. I feel pretty, I feel good enough. I have made enough money now that we are actually making progress on remodeling out home, and I am able to pay for dance, football AND my car payment, and the income keeps growing. I am healthier, happier, and fitter than EVER and I am here to share it with the world. I never would have thought I would be here, after spending 10 years in a struggle. We don't struggle. We are happy. We have fun. and we do it together, and we share it with others too.

I can't even put into words what subtle yet great change has come to my life and my family. Thank you for taking the time to read my story, and follow my blog!! Feel free to comment below!

Who I am. 

Where do I begin?

On 9/4, there was a fake Instagram set up with a picture of PART of a message that was PART of a very private message.

I remember who that message was for and I know that posting this their intentions were to make me look bad. If you were a follower who experienced this, I am sorry you were caught in the middle of this. I haven't really "publicly" come out about this issue, the important people in my life know this,  and now that some of my following has seen it, and therefore I know it is time for me to tell my following the rest of my story and why I do the things I do today. What if there is some one in my situation or a similar situation that I could inspire and help? As I share this, I ask for no hate or ugliness. If you don't agree with the choices I have made, simply unfollow. I absolutely respect and understand why you would feel the way you do. Just remember this is public, and there are more hearts than just mine who you may impact. I welcome curiosity, and am VERY open about my experiences, please just remain professional and civil.

So here you go. The other side of the story.

When I was 14 years old, I was raped by a 19 year old. I got pregnant. I gave the baby up for adoption.

Was I stupid YES. I got involved with the wrong crowd because I had things in my past I really didn't want to face. Because of these things I was quiet, and extremely introverted. I got physically scared to talk to people. I was bullied MOST my life because of it, but as I have grown older I have been able to deal more with it, but I still don't really like parties or large groups. I am thankful  for the opportunities I have had with coaching which have really helped me live anxiety, depression, and paranoia free for almost a year- this also means no medication, just healthy eating, exercise and personal development.

When I met the father, he groomed me. He made me feel pretty, cool, and like he was in love with me. Maybe he was in some weird way. Was I old enough to use my brains? YES. Was I naive and fell for his bullshit. Yes. We began sexual relations after a while, I wised up. I slowly started tapering away from him, but I was "too nice" to "break his heart". When I started saying no, he started almost begging. There were a few times I said no, and he continued to the point he physically forced me. I didn't resist much, I was scared and stupid.

When I found out I was pregnant I was devastated. I was 14 years old, and how could I let this happen? I knew my family would be mad, I would get bullied again, I couldn't dance anymore. I also didn't want anyone to know because I was set on the fact that I was going to take care of my baby. I didn't want anyone to try to take her away or send me away or anything like that. The father at first told me we would live happily ever after, but soon-another girl was calling me and saying I was lying about it all and that they don't believe I was pregnant. (Seriously...big ol basketball belly...no not prego..dumbasses)

I hid my pregnancy for as long as I could. I didn't get discovered until I was about 6 months along. (how could no one know?) Once people found out, that is exactly what happened. I secluded myself. My jr high tried to ship me off to another school because they didn't want to deal with me. My parents were trying to talk me into adoption, and I was just trying to find ways to make it through each day and be normal. After time and some therapy, I made the hardest decision I have ever made in my life, and that was to give her to a family who could take care of her. I was 14 years old. You can't get a job at 14. My parents couldn't and wouldn't help support a baby and the dad sure as heck wasn't around. I truly felt that it was the right thing to do. It wasn't about me, it was about her having a great life with people who could give her what she deserved. a 14 year old can't do that without the support of others, and unfortunately I had no one.

During ultrasounds we found out that she had only 1 vessel in her umbilical cord, rather than 2. this indicated a problem but we had to wait until she was born to determine the severity. When she was born, it was determined that she had Trisome 13. This is a genetic disorder and some of the symptoms are cleft lip which she had, decreased muscle tone, close set eyes, seizures, intellectual disabilities, hernias and more, those are just the ones she had. The family I picked backed out because they didn't want her anymore knowing that. My heart was broken for her. I didn't really want to give her away anyway but what was I supposed to do-especially now that she had more medical issues, how was I going to be able to get insurance without being able to get a job? After about a day they told me that I had 3 families who actually signed up for this and I found an adorable family with lots of brothers that she could be with.

I named her Kristina Marie
I spent 5 days with her Then, she was gone.


I cried the whole time I signed papers. They changed her name.They had her now and she was theirs. I would never see her again.  I was happy for her, but sad for me. and then guilty for being selfish. Deep down I knew I did the right thing for her, but unless you have done it, you would never know the heaviness that comes to your heart, and it stays there for the rest of your life. They gave me a decorative shoe box style box with stuff that was supposed to support my grief and sent me home. I had a few follow ups from the counselors but I am strong, so it wasn't much more than that.

As the time went on, I got about 5 pictures of her and a cute little card, then it all stopped. I did my best to push away my feelings but there wasn't a day that I didn't think of her, or pray for her. I taught myself how to find peace in that she was in a good home with a family that could love her and provide a fabulous life for her.

About 5 years ago, I received a call from the adoption agency that said she had about 5 days left to live and if I wanted to meet her I could, just that she was not conscious and when she was she wasn't herself, she was about the level of a 4 year old (she was 13). Also, the disease had taken such a tole on her body that she couldn't move. I had NO IDEA any of this was going on for her whole life. I felt indescribably horrible that I had no idea and wasn't involved or helping at all. I wondered if I forced them to keep in touch, if they would have needed my help.  I had the biggest breakdown in my life. I didn't know what to do. Would it cause a burden on her family? Would she even know I was there? What if I wasn't welcome and this was all just protocol of an open adoption? What if I can't handle it and I cause a scene? What if they welcomed me with open arms? What if they were sad? What if they were relieved? Did I really want to remember her like this? Did I really want to see her on her death bed? I didn't watch her grow, the only memories I had were from her as a baby and a few pictures as she was a toddler. Maybe that was what would be best for me to remember. Maybe it was best for me not to get involved in their family affairs. Maybe I would cause additional havoc.

I couldn't do it.
I couldn't bring myself to meet her-because it wasn't her I was going to meet.
I couldn't bring myself to meet her-because I was afraid.

When I was blessed with my first son Dominic, I was concerned. I knew that this baby was born with the conditions that she had, and I was scared that he would too. Not really for me, but it isn't fair to them. I had some genetic testing done, and was so relieved that I wasn't the carrier. I was being blessed with a second chance. The chance to be the mom I was supposed to be all along. I made a vow to my heavenly father-which at the time, I was very unsure of- that I would do my best to be the best mom for them that I could.

I don't know what caused this person to blow so low. Maybe their own insecurities or unhappiness with their own lives. Maybe because I have witnessed their true colors and they don't like that I know.  Maybe they believe that I deserve to be unhappy because of my past. Maybe they wish they weren't so unhappy and that they had the drive and motivation to not let things hold us down, to devote my life to the lord and live to the very fullest I can. Maybe it is because I have built a strong following and community just because I know my purpose is to serve and help others and empower others...I DON'T KNOW because they haven't told me. I pray for them  that they will find the peace they need to be happy enough that they don't feel the need to focus on other people. It doesn't bother me that they posted the message...while it was private, the content of the message was partial and out of context. If I lost followers over it, then I wouldn't want them following me anyway (actually I gained about 30 followers within 24 hours of the post haha). What bothers me most is that someone has so much hate in their heart, so much so that they feel better by focusing on other peoples lives. That they would dig up a text message from 4 years ago just to try to make someone look bad. It isn't about me. It is sad that they are not focusing on their own issues, and that is manifesting into deflecting it on me. I can take it, but I sure hope they get the blessings that they need to realize that you get what you give to the world, and that other people don't matter. When you find beauty and happiness in your own lives, friendships are sweeter, life is more beautiful and you can be blessed beyond your wildest dreams. I forgive them. Every time. and I hope one day they can forgive themselves so that they can move forward and actually be the person that they want everyone to believe that they are.

 I am not ashamed of my past. I am proud of my past. I do not regret anything. I know I did the right thing for the right reasons.  I didn't give my baby away because of her issues. No. I gave her away because I wanted her to have a life I KNEW I couldn't provide.

I use my past and my story to INSPIRE others to live a life they design without anyone, any circumstance or anything stopping them. If someone like me came along in a mental place I was in and I could HELP THEM just by sharing... then I am happy. Money is nothing to me. It will always come. But seeing people change their lives THAT is why I do what I do and I have NEVER turned anyone down.

I have made it a point in my life to heal. To help. To share. Because I truly believe I am here for that reason.

I am sure this story is incomplete but I do appreciate you taking the time to read to the end. If you were a follower who saw the post, I hope that this brings clarity to you.  If you have any questions I welcome them...no hate but curiosity is ok. thanks If you or someone you know is considering adoption, I would also love to speak with them more about my experience as well. If you or someone you know are adopting, thank you. You will never understand the impact you have on peoples lives, more than just the baby you call your own.

Ang